ickyrainbows3245:

Why do these honey bust a nut Cheerios taste like shit

today-ifuckedup:

Welp. I’m a 23 year old dad. I like to be an active parent and play with my son… and today things went wrong.

We have these 3 REALLY COOL nerf swords, that we play with every day. He has actually gotten pretty good at dodging and parrying my attacks and when he starts rushing me i have to try my hardest to not get hit.

To spice things up we always do “power struggles”… Pushing our swords together and then wrestling to make it more fun.

Well today we did that… but his sword gave out and cracked in the middle…

This led to my full force punch cracking him across the jaw and watching him go limp.

I have never panicked so hard in my life. I felt sick instantly.. a full grown “man” punching a child can lead to some terrible things such as concussion.. or worse, death.

Luckily, he was only down and out for about 4 seconds. Went to the hospital and he has no concussion or anything, just a very sore little face.

Ice cream should cure the wound, but nothing will mend the cracks put into the heart of a little boy getting FUCKING KO’D LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

by MikeTash

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today-ifuckedup:

I woke up less than an hour ago to hissing and barking. I then heard my bluetick coonhound jump down from the bed and felt the tabby cat run up my spine and sit on my head. (Normally, my dog and cat will compete for bed real estate to be closer to my face/head. Usually, it is a rather quiet event. ) The dog was still agitated, and I told her in a half-mumble to go to her crate. She didn’t. She kept barking as the cat hissed and jumped to the window sill. I then turned on my lamp that was almost knocked down in the process to see just what was going on.

“It is early morning, damnit! I want to get some sleeeeeeeepoooooooholyshit!”

My cat was not a cat. It was a large scared raccoon.

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today-ifuckedup:

My wife and I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. So I went on this big chain adult toy website. I ordered what I thought was a small introductory butt plug which came with a complimentary free gift: G-spot tickler vibro or a misc. porno. My gal isn’t into watching porn, so naturally I picked the tickler.

The day we got it, we couldn’t wait to try out the “toys”. The buttplug scared her and got an immediate shut down due to the girth. So we tried the vibrator. The thing was made from the cheapest fucking plastic. It was like they melted one of those plastic easter egg cases you get at a quarter machine and shoved in a battery operated motor. You’d think the plastic and the no name AAA batteries with chinese logos all over them would be red flags. NOPE! I fire that baby up and pop it in my gal. She liked it at first until she was like “it’s getting hot!” I took that as a compliment with my mad skills piloting. She then jumps up and yells “IT’S FUCKING BURNING!” And jumps/chun-li kicks me off the bed.

I reach down and grab the thing and sure enough, the fucking thing felt like it was about to melt. You could see a trace of smoke fluttering from the seams of the vibrator. I panic and scramble to the bathroom and toss diablo’s cheap g spot tickler into the toilet. It continued to buzz for a little bit until it fully submerged with a sizzle.

tl;dr Tried spicing things up in the bedroom. Almost burned wife’s vagina with cheap malfunctioning vibrator.

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